I considered. I reconsidered. I contemplated. I re-contemplated. I reached a conclusion: This chapter has to end. I'm going to close this blog. What can I say. I kept postponing these lines for weeks now. It was some time in last December I decided to start over with my life. Whereabouts were changing and I was thinking about people in my life. Who I do want to keep close? Who was worth fighting with and for? Slowly everything was falling into place. I made some very deep and rough cuts. Somehow things started to transform. It's not easy, I can tell. Many obstacles on the way and many times you find yourself doubting every step and if your decisions were right or wrong. But as I see it: Going back is a dead end. I want to get past so many things.
Hosting this blog was a process to me. I started it for more or less non-noble reasons. I was aching badly back then and wanted to do anything about it so I can feel less worthless. It started with messing around and grew into emotional ventilation and sometimes also, guided me to sort of mental healing. I was able to let things out and sometimes, I said things I took back. I learnt from it. I helped myself mainly and sometimes I was able to help others. Call it good example to be productive and creative. Call it mind crap. Call it showing off. Call it as you will. At the end I didn't really know what I was doing. Nor did I do what I was supposed to do. I stopped writing in German.
I long for a place where I can share my thoughts uncensored. Authentic. Real. Most importantly - unknown. Writing anonymously has so many advantages. You can write about critical issues without being judged. At least not as a person. Critical statements wouldn't be personal because you are unknown. Societies and their stereotypes chain me and my thoughts. Their chains are wrapped too tight around me to break free. Especially while writing here. When I tried to do something about it, I couldn't. I guess I will always be struggling and fighting against something but at least I hope my fights will be different from now on. I am fed up with fighting the same battles over and over again. I hope I will always have the strength of what I once conquered. I hope I will never fail those who always prayed for me. Because frankly, many things I couldn't have done without those who are my backbone. This blog was a phase or maybe a necessary recovery operation of what is real and should be real.
To loyal readers. Thank you so much for care. This time I won't just bail and disappear for a month or more. I'm here telling you that I intend to quit writing at this place. It's only fair. The last time I tried to keep away I got some very concerned emails asking me if i was still here. I remembered the blog I once followed. The host was truly an artist and wrote so beautifully that I waited every day to read more and (but) she was a whore who loved her profession. And this in fact, made her blog so interesting. Her name was Lady Marguerite. One day, all of the sudden, her writings stopped. A year later her blog was off. I asked my best friend back then what happened to her, knowing there was this light correspondence between them, and to calm our troubled minds we agreed she died of an exploded appendix - because Lady never answered again which was so not her. The fear that something truly terrible happened to her still lingers here. However, I am beyond calling myself worthy to have the same talent she had. But I know today that there are people out there, although we might have never met, who care enough to ask about me when I don't write for a long while. What you have been subjected to here is a bare pulp of a mangled human mind, with a sort of sense of humor sometimes, trying to heal its wounds. I really hope that at least you felt entertained sometimes. And if not, I hope it was maybe insightful to catch a glimpse on the thoughts of a person who grew up between cultures always struggling with a lost identity which is still not found.
I also want to thank my friends. You know yourself because you can undeniably see your influence on my life growing and getting stronger in your faces. You guided me through every hard choices and decisions throughout the last years. Even if you are currently not here - mentally or for other reasons - some of you mentioned here made this blog possible. Thank you for encouraging me and bearing with me. I know some of you can't wait until I click publish and some of you will always push me to click publish elsewhere.
I never meant to hurt anybody on purpose when I wrote here. I'm sorry if I caused any disturbances to any one's plans. But yet again, I tell myself: This is only a blog and you can always decide to not come here. I know I made some people and relatives very unhappy with the things I published here but I really never intended to, at least not in most of the cases. I can only ask everybody to think clearly and thoroughly of what they really want from being here and reading the things I write. Maybe the problem is not about me.
To those who caused me damage and still claim that I caused this damage to myself. You are partially right about this. But I also know that one is not only responsible for themselves but also responsible for their actions. The world is what it is because we always try to see the flaw on someone else before we even begin noticing the flaws on ourselves. I am not any better. It's a form of self defense, nevertheless sometimes it's the best to sit down and take a look on the destruction one has created in their lives and draw a line. I am a firm believer of one thing. It's never too late to start a new life facing the consequences the old life may have applied on us. If one is only brave enough to go through the fire of ache and pain they will truly get somewhere. Wherever that is. It leads to growth at least, if not also to happiness and contentment. I will go put all my grudges in a bag or something and bury it somewhere in the streets. For those who believe I am crazy enough to do that, it was only a metaphor. But to not disappoint you. Last week I got rid of a Liverpool Shirt (if you are ever going to read this - I gave it to someone in need so both of our energies can be turned into something useful), a dry flower, a box, and a picture of a once dear face I kept in my wallet that I eventually burnt. I can't say it made things any better to live those moments of melodrama but at least I will be able to laugh at myself if I was meant to live - let's say - more 10 years from now on.
A couple of days ago I described it like that: It's like being in a relationship with somebody and this relationship ended a long time ago. But you keep on fighting for it to work out, so you also keep on returning, hoping that things would eventually turn out great. But it's like lying to oneself to not see that you are better off without them. And that a new start with somebody (something) else is maybe not better but healthier.
I got older and maturer hosting this blog. I learnt a couple of very important things here. Especially about the Internet and its power (in good and bad ways). I believe curtains shall go down on this page.. but a another page will, by default, pop up somewhere else… and if it's meant to be, you will figure out my handwriting and wonder if it was me. And if you are bold to enough ask, I will surely answer.. yes…
Thank you for everything.
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